


lost a soldier, won the war

by chatona



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fix-It, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:26:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chatona/pseuds/chatona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was prepared for this eventuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Emma who looked this over. All remaining mistakes are entirely my own.

Phillip J. Coulson dies, hand on a weapon.

It hurts, and there’s blood in his mouth and on his lips and he feels himself fade, eyes on Nick Fury. He fought under Fury in the military and he followed when Fury left to build SHIELD, he’s been there since the beginning. He counts Fury as a friend, but he says _boss_ — this is work, line of duty. He’s an agent and a soldier.

There are worse ways to die.

—

Phil Coulson dies, knowing that they are at war, knowing that Loki has the upper hand, knowing that the people that should form the Avengers, that should be saving the world, are fighting each other rather than their common enemy.

He looks Nick Fury in the eye and tells him to use his death to unite them, to give them a cause. 

He knows his own worth. He believes in their goodness. He believes that they’re heroes and that they won’t let him have died for no reason. 

He dies believing. It could be worse.

—

Barton’s been compromised and Natasha Romanoff is not a soldier. She’s a spy, but they’re at war. Phil knows they may all have to become soldiers before this is over. He wishes he could protect her from that, but there is very little that she needs protection from and he is dying.

He is dying, and Barton’s been compromised.

—

Phil Coulson dies without knowing whether Clint Barton is still alive; without seeing him one last time, without any last words.

He dies, and Barton’s been compromised.

—

If he regrets anything, it is this: That he couldn’t kiss Clint one last time, that he can’t be there when Clint comes back from whatever it is that Loki has done to him, that he can’t tell Clint that it wasn’t his fault, because he knows he’ll believe it and the man is damn stubborn. That he will never again get to doze off with his feet on the coffee table and his head on Clint’s shoulder while _Supernanny_ is playing, white noise in the background that allows them to be still and quiet and _together_.

He regrets that he won’t hear Clint’s voice again over the com, that he won’t ever be able to wrap his hands around Clint’s arms and just hold on while Clint pushes in, over him and inside of him, that he _won’t be there_ for Clint.

He regrets the pain this will cause Clint, even though he knows that it is necessary, that it may well be the cause that is needed to save the world.

—

Phil Coulson dies, not because of any grand plan, but because he had access to a weapon and meant to use it against their enemy. Injuries happen in war, fatalities happen.

He was prepared for this eventuality.

— 

He dies thinking of who he is leaving behind, and thinking of the future that he hopes his death will help shape for the better.

He doesn’t die sacrificing himself for the future or for the cause he hopes it will give the Avengers; he dies doing his duty. Everything else that may or may not come from it will be a byproduct, a fringe benefit that he will not see unfold. 

Phil wishes he could live to see a world that has superheroes in it.

—

Phillip J. Coulson dies with a gun in his hands, Nick Fury watching him and SHIELD medics surrounding him. He dies believing in a better future, and crying because he leaves so much behind.

He tries to cling to the thought of Clint.

Then there is nothing.

—

Nick Fury tells the Avengers that Coulson died at Loki’s hand. It’s what Phil would have wanted, what Phil suggested with his very last words.

It’s also the truth, and never let it be said that Fury can’t use it to his advantage.

—

It has the desired effect.

—

Phil Coulson died. He didn’t expect to wake up again. 


	2. Chapter 2

He opens his eyes in medical. There’s a tube down his throat and everything feels hazy and fuzzy in the way that tells him he’s on heavy painkillers, and still his shoulder — his entire side — burns with pain.

He is, undeniably, alive.

—

Clint is sitting by Phil’s bed, fingers curled around the hand on Phil’s uninjured side. 

“So,” he says, voice gravelly and Phil can hear the emotions underlying it even if the words don’t match up. “Fury is a bastard.”

 _You knew that when you signed on_ , Phil wants to answer, and demand a sit-rep, but he can’t speak. 

“Yeah, yeah,” says Clint, like he heard him loud and clear, and begins detailing the events of the days that Phil was out in as close to professional as he ever gets.

Phil squeezes his hand and thinks _I’m sorry, I’m glad, I didn’t mean to die, I’m glad I’m still alive,_ and _I love you_ and closes his eyes again. 

He sleeps.

—

Natasha sits on the edge of his bed when he wakes, quiet and deadly and beautiful, and smiles at him. He wouldn’t have expected anything less; that she was giving him and Clint space is probably the only reason she hasn’t been by earlier.

“Hey,” he croaks because they took the tube out but that doesn’t mean his throat doesn’t still feel rough and abused, almost more so than the rest of him— which is ironic, all things considered.

“You had us worried,” her reply comes in Russian and he can’t help raising an eyebrow, because— they thought he was dead. There’s no reason to worry about the dead, so unless she somehow saw through Fury’s bluff (which he wasn’t aware of, but he thinks he approves, despite the pain it caused. Sometimes, the end justifies the means and this is one of such times), which, considering who she is, he might actually consider a possibility. 

“Sorry.” It seems inadequate, but he knows she understands.

—

The Avengers— and he thinks he can think of them like that now, a team rather than singular and self-involved people — have scattered, leaving in their wake a lot of work to be done, but for once, Phillip J. Coulson will not be the first one in line for it. For him, there’s bed rest and physical therapy and _get better, damn it, Phil, Hill’s driving me mad_ ; it’s painful and hard in ways that he isn’t used to, but he doesn’t mind.

He’s alive.


End file.
